I have been horrifically codependent for the majority of my life. Psychologists would site childhood trauma and lack of loving kindness during my developmental years as the root cause. Buddhists would site attachment to certain feelings as the root cause. The average Christian would say I haven’t learned to open up my heart to accept Christ’s love.
Now, here’s the funny thing, none of these groups would be wrong. Toxic relationships are the simple result of toxic behavior because we receive exactly what we put out.
About a year ago I was hit with a deep emotional blow I wasn’t expecting. I had this concept of love that wasn’t accurate in the slightest. In fact, I didn’t even have a high enough opinion of myself to accept the concept of love I had created. Naturally, I gave my energy over to a narcissist with zero interest in nurturing another and growing together. It’s not their fault, they see the world the way they see it and were craving something I couldn’t provide. So was I.
Since this was round two I decided to start working through some of my emotional baggage with a Priest I trust. I’ve started to learn how to love myself and nurture the broken child within me. How to refrain from projecting my insecurities and desires on others. How to unlock the doors within myself and allow Christ’s love to flow through me.
This is no small task and has taken quite a bit of effort and discipline. Unlearning how I talk to myself within has unmasked a darkness I have attempted to sweep under the rug most of my life. So many responses of mine have been completely automated defenses. I’d lash out to protect my emotional well-being or my self image and hardly ever got this mystical thing right.
I mean, talking about a thing and being well versed in mysticism is far less difficult than actually walking through life living it. So I shut down. Went into a period of deep meditation and prayer. I’ve been distant and haven’t shared much because I have been working on the application of these principles in every facet of my life. To jump back on and see I have thousands of followers online made me smile. It puts me right where I need to be to start self publishing. That’s always been my goal which makes balancing heart and head, ego and shadow out so much more important.
As a person who genuinely wants to help others grow and evolve spiritually it is of the upmost importance that I am spiritually sound myself. Most mystics would agree. Our meditation spaces become cocoons and our prayers broaden to encapsulate all life. We work through our traumas knowing we’re being trained to help others work through theirs. It’s in those quiet times of reflection and centering that our understanding expands and we really grow.
Anyways, fellow writers. So many of you are inspiring people with a lot of wisdom to share. You’ve rocked me and helped deepen my perspective more times than I can count. Thank you for sharing your light. Thank you for reading these posts and commenting. Thank you for filling my inbox with kind words and love. Thank you for giving me a sense of community.
Big ups to you all.